I'm Struggling

Life was great till yesterday night, then things changed for me like they usually do.


While it does not surprise me, it definitely does spoil my plans and throw my momentum offtrack.


I was walking on our terrace last night and heard a few dogs in my streets bark at another dog which probably ran away from his home. I have a soft spot for dogs, so I decided to guide him back to his home.


In the process, I ended up touching his head, more on this later.


Long story short, I couldn't find his home and neither could I bring him home because I have 4 girls with me. So I had to leave him in the street.


On my way back home, I was overcome with guilt that this dog is probably going to die in the cold because I couldn't give him a home. I went back to the same street to try my best at my home but when I reached the spot he wasn't there anymore.


I looked for him for another half hour but couldn't find him. I have a hard time when it comes to abandoning animals and I'm still overcome with guilt.


In addition to this I have OCD which makes it very hard for me to deal with physical contact. And since I touched his hair, I was constantly ruminating that I probably caught rabies from it.


And yes, I know it sounds ridiculous but the feelings are real. Very real to me at least.


I came back and took a bath in piping hot water in the hope that it would kill off any rabies virus on me. It is weird how this works.


My brain knows that it is not logical to go to an hospital during peak COVID at night to get a rabies shot but at the same time it is malleable to think that taking a hot bath will help kill off the virus. Illogical, I know but that's what was in my head.


I fell asleep soon.


I woke up today and again started ruminating about other things that might ruin my life and it was a downward spiral from then on.


I hit peak at about 7:30 and broke my intermittent fasting routine.


I don't know what I'll gain by writing this but it feels like I should.


As I am finishing off this piece, I feel like I have done something to mess things up a bit more. If I could trade everything I have in my life (except my dogs and family) for a shot at a future without these demons, I'll do it in a heartbeat.


That's all the indulging for today.

Shiva Prabhakaran  2020 | All rights reserved